Maybe I won't jump off the cliff just yet...

Monday night I finally cashed in Flatline, playing expertly and taking down third place for a nice little cash that basically wiped out my losses for the last month.

On the same evening I (for some foolish reason) entered the Full Tilt Ferguson, a one dollar tournament that starts every night at 1030pm.

Actually, I'd say I was a fool to enter for two reasons - one, it starts late and typically you can end up playing till 2 or 3 in the morning if you go deep. Two, it was Razz night.

Razz, yikes.

It's not a difficult poker game to play, and I actually have a pretty good grasp on the fundamentals. But razz, perhaps more than any other poker game, illustrates with crystal clarity, the beast that is variance.

You can make every correct decision possible, but when the cards come and you "brick" out, there is very little you can do but suffer.

Razz is a sadists game, in that you can feel so clearly, exquisite pain and anguish as each face card hits. Example; you start with A2 in the hole and a four door card, then you catch a 6 on fourth street, and then a jack, a queen, another jack and finally you pair your ace on the river to finish with a J, 6, 4, 2, A, while the 10,8,6,5,3 gets under you and scoops the chips.

Nasty, nasty game.

Monday night I beat out 464 other players to take down second place and $117.

Sweet, sweet, razz.

In one MTT I wiped out my losses of the last two months.

I played well, but I also got lucky in that my low cards came and I didn't brick out too often. At one point early in the tournament I was down to less than 4 big bets, but I hung in there and just tried to make good decisions, including committing to the hand very early by raising and reraising to get all my chips in quickly.

I think the MTT is the way to go for me - the $1 tourneys seem to really be a good low stress way to occasionally get lucky and basically increase my bankroll substantially in one shot - potentially even doubling it or more if I get very lucky. The Ferguson, when it's NLHE, typically has a first place prize of 1K or more. Who knows, some day.

I'm a bit soured on SNG's, they're very hard to beat consistently. I think part of this is that I'm more experienced with and temperamentally more suited to the marathon of the MTT rather than the sprint of a Sit-n-Go.

The other part is, there are a LOT of people making their living or at least supplimenting their income with SNG's these days by using poker tracking software and elaborate math based formulas. This is so they can multi-table (upwards of 20 tables or more) and really make money based on a very formulaic approach. For a lot of people this works very well, and is hard for someone like me who is more player oriented and really enjoys the single table feel of live poker.

I have neither the aptitude nor the inclination to involve myself in a math-centric and software assisted approach to online poker. And I honestly don't have the ADD to endure a 4 table blitz of images, let alone 20 or more.

I find that if I have a nice starting stack (as in the Full Tilt daily dollar) and a nice gradual blind structure, I can hang with most players. These two factors are absent from most SNG's.

A third factor that just occurred to me, is the rake in SNG's. It's massive, especially in the lower limits. The Ferguson has no rake and the daily dollar has a guaranteed prize pool that effectively negates the rake.

So yes, I feel better, about myself and about the game. There is still money to be made, and I think by sticking to the MTT's, I'll have the best chance of really enjoying the game (even when I run bad) and actually showing a profit.

Lucky in life...

...unlucky at cards I guess.

Get all the money in with AK, fish has AQ. Flop K6J. Turn 2. River 10.

Get all the money in with TPTK and Nut flush draw. Nut flush comes, but fish hits a runner runner for a straight flush.

Flop the wheel. Fish catches a two on the turn to give his six rag a higher straight.

Flop trip jacks. Fish shoves and backdoors a flush.

Lose every race for three weeks.

AK loses to AQ.

Pair of eights loses to AQ on the river.

Pair of fours loses to AK on the river.

Flop the nut flush, fish turns two pair and fills up on the river -after the chips are all in.

Good times.

Every good decision recently it seems is met by the inevitable five outer hitting on the turn. I've gotten to the point where I feel sick to my stomach if I get my money in good. On the infrequent occasion where I make a bad or marginal decision and get in behind, I don't even bother to hope to get lucky.

I used to detest the whiners on the poker forums. Who wants to listen to some results oriented loser bemoan the record number of two outers foisted on them by some cosmic doomswitch in the online realm.

I used to roll my eyes, I used to think "whatever". I am decision oriented - I am calm cool and collected. I had my aces cracked by A4 at HPC and barely got my heart rate up. I fooled myself into being happy because of such an uber-donk call.

Today, I think I'm starting to sympathize with the pity party jackasses.

Sigh. Not really. I guess.

The good news is, that if I lose my online bankroll (which you may remember started as 0 and was up to over $400) I get to be finished with online poker forever. It's not very likely (I'm still at $200) but it is nice to have a sensible fallback plan.

As for live poker - I final tabled at HPC and had my aces cracked by nines before the money. Then I went back and got six outered on the river - then I was back today and got sucked out (again) on a crucial hand and then for the next hour (with my stack a shell of its former self) found myself about as card dead as can be.

When I finally got around to making a move with the first face card I had seen in 45 minutes (the ripe with potential Jc10c) I ran smack into a snap call with A10 by a guy who didn't have many more chips than me. Well played sir.

I'm trying so hard of late to find my old zen poker self - and I know I'll get there. Yes, I still don't play during the week, but maybe I need a longer hiatus.

In any event, the biggest point really is that I need to re-find the fun. My game always seemed to grow the most when I wasn't concerned with being Phil Ivey - I always did the best when I just played for the love of the game. It seems tougher now, because I truly can see that I'm better than all but 2 or 3 players at the average table. I expect to do better than I have been.

I do still love the game. Thankfully, on Full Tilt I don't have any losses to chase. If I get back down to zero, it will back to play chips.

Flatline is a fixed budget of $150, which I have yet to ever fall under - and I still have $100 left for this season.

As for live, I am actually still up quite a bit - but if I get under zero again, I still plan to stick to my budget, which is one live tourney a month (which I rarely make anyway, it's usually every other month).

And no, I'm not concerned with supplementing my income, and certainly don't see making a living any time soon. Nor would I want to, being a poker pro is a soul sucking grind, of that I'm sure. Playing recreationally is too on occasion I've noticed.