Poker ahoy!

I'm on a boat!

A cruise ship actually, one of the biggest in the world - the Carnival Splendor. Yes, it's the one that caught on fire last year, but thankfully this time around there were no ship "hiccups" and I enjoyed a loverly 7 day vacation with my family including stops in Cabo and Puerto Vallarta - about the only two places in Mexico that haven't collapsed into a morass of gunfire, yet.

It was my first time on such a vessel, and I happily popped my cruising cherry on various degenerate activities, including a luckless foray into bingo (though there was a lot of fun value) as well as a few slot machines so tight they made the Bellagio's machines seem loose.

But as pertains to this column, teh pokerz, I also sat down to play occasionally at the single poker table available, on a ship with over 3000 passengers. It was also an electronic table. Pretty slick, but also pretty damn weird.

The main advantage of playing on such a machine was that there were no dealer errors - all pots were awarded instantly and correctly every time. With the removal of human error on the dealers side, a favorable side effect resulted - players were unusually civil. Granted, this is a boat with 100% tourists, as opposed to the dingy halls of Inglewood where I usually play, replete with the worst sort of gamblers. But this group was, while not super friendly, was super nice enough and did a very good job of policing themselves in matters of etiquette and manners. I've often found, as is the case in my home game, that when players are put in a place with little or no authority figure, they self regulate pretty well.

But for all it's advantages, the Poker Pro Table simply cannot hold a candle to chips and a dealer. It's analogous to a vegetarian trying to convince a meat eater to convert. Logically, we should all be veggie eaters - less waste, better for us, etc. etc. But cheeseburgers taste fucking good, and shuffling chips, bending up cards, flicking them into the muck, raking a pot, are all tactile pleasures that a cold electric table simply cannot even approach.

Anyhow, we were scheduled for a tournament 4 days into the cruise, and I just couldn't wait until then so I bit the bullet and plunked down $100 for a 1/2 cash game. It was fun, but the rake was flat out retarded - 10% with a $9 max. Completely unbeatable in the long term, though a few players on the night walked away several hundred up. Alas, I was not one and finished down $40 for the night after 3 hours of play. I simply wasn't drunk enough to beat the game I guess.

The bet sizing in general was ridiculous, people routinely min bet into bloated pots after multiple people had limped in PF - I'm afraid I was just card dead enough, and as I said, not loosey goosey enough, to take advantage properly. Cash game play continues to elude me, as it's very tough for me to disassociate chips from cash - I don't plan to reload, and reload and reload again. I'm very comfortable in a tournament, once I pay my fee I don't even think of the money, it's gone. But in a cash game, my entire wallet and even my ATM card are potentially in play, and I often don't make the correct decision because I'm too afraid of denting my bank account.

I played again the next night, and finished down another hundred. I flopped top two pair and got it in on the turn where a blind defender had binked a wacky gut shot - so I reloaded, and was down even more later, until I crawled back to make back my second buy-in.

Finally, Wednesday night, tournament!

It was just as ridiculous as the cash game - a $150 winner take all single table, with a top prize of $750 cash OR $1000 Carnival Certificate (good for another cruise purchase). So $500 went to the house, a 1/3rd rake, but much of that went to a prize pool in a year end Carnival tournament with a $100,000 prize pool. Stupid, I know, but I was desperate for tournament play.

The field was super soft, a smattering of the weak cash game players and a couple of guys I didn't recognize. The only decent player, Clint, was a nice Maori fellow from New Zealand, I had already determined that I would avoid him as much as possible.

The tournament structure, was predictably, horrible - but I was comfortable enough, having played super turbos profitably enough online for a number of years. Again, the ignorance of bet sizing and commitment thresholds was staggering. Call off a third of your chips and fold? No problem. Call a big bet out of position with Q8os? Naturally.

About 90 minutes in I was riding along good, I had a decent chip lead over the rest of the table; players were still limping even though the average stack was just below 10 bigs. This gave me plenty of opportunities to shove light and accumulate. All the while I knew I wouldn't get called unless I got unlucky enough to run into a hand that could beat me, and the way everyone was so passive and one note, I wasn't too worried.

Three limpers, I look down at queens on the SB. Easy shove. The BB, the tightest player at the table and the only one with a stack that can hurt me insta-calls. Uh-oh. Yep, it's kings. I'm hurt pretty badly.

The lady to my right is incredulous and actually asks me, literally - "What is your mindset?" to gamble my whole stack before seeing a flop. I truthfully and in a friendly but diplomatic manner explained to her, that there's no prize for second place, the structure is a super turbo, I'm risking 6k to win 2k and happened to get unlucky with the one guy who had 4k. She didn't seem convinced. And probably still wasn't when she limp folded her way right into third place.

I went out 6th, I stuck my last chips in blind as the BB came around and was over half of my stack. Again, shaking heads and clucking tongues around the table as my 62 was dominated by the A2 that looked me up. I was perfectly fine with it.

So Now I was stuck a little less than $300; but I'd had fun gambooling it up, and there was plenty of other things to do on the cruise.

Then they announced there was another tournament scheduled for 1030am on the last day! Right on! Now I could plop down another $150 for a chance to win only $500 (basically my money back) because only 5 players showed up for the tournament!

Ah well, I wanted to play! Even if it was definitely a negative EV situation.

Once again, everyone started out very tight and passive - I adjusted more quickly this time and cranked up the aggression, accumulating the chip lead early on.

The guy to my right was a typical station who defended his blinds way too much. 5 handed, I let out for a standard raise UTG with AQ of spades. BB station flatted and also called my c-bet on a board of rags with 2 clubs. I checked behind on the turn for pot control and when a third club hit on the river he checked. I knew he probably had a flush, by the way he had played earlier hands, I led out with a sizable river bet to get him off his 4th or 5th nuts. He tanked for about 30 seconds and then called off with his 7 high flush. Well played sir. You soul read me with your 7th nuts.

Battle of wits with an unarmed opponent, blah, blah, blah...

So I was last in chips with just under 3K and the blinds ready to rocket skyward. I buckled down and tightened up considerably, and did my usual dance of shove or fold. This time, I managed to build back up rather quickly, as none of the 4 other players wanted to tango without premiums. Pocket 4's? Shove. A10? Shove. Fold, fold, fold. AJ? Shove.

This gang was so tight, I was able to treat a single limp as a fold - I didn't worry about a premium getting tricky; multiple limpers, yes, my range tightened up considerably. But again, no prize for second, I had to take advantage and push push push.

I noticed fairly early on, that my brother was on the rail. I've mentioned before here that he is a very good player, definitely better than me when it comes to instincts and patience. He had politely declined to join me at the table, but it was really nice to see him there showing support to my degeneracy, it meant a lot. He stayed until the tournament concluded, over an hour and a half!

Another cool thing about the electronic table, the main monitor was also displayed on a bigger screen on the wall so spectators could more easily follow along. My wife was unable to watch, especially after I took the first big hit - she went off to play the slots.

I was whittled down slightly more and it was just about to go from desperate to really nasty when I checked my BB with 49os. The flop came a beautiful 4 10 9. I had one limper and the small blind (the station from earlier). He checked, I shoved, knowing he was likely to call with his stack which was even smaller than mine. The limper folded and the sb, after tanking awhile and talking himself into it, called with 2 overs. He was crushed and deflated and first out.

A couple of hands earlier he had crippled himself against the player to my left, by re-raising with (big surprise) a small flush. He then called off most of his chips to the massive four bet shove and found himself looking down the maw of a nut flush. There ya go.

Now I had chips again. I accumulated some more and was the leader, pounding away and whittling all three remaining opponents down. Then player to my left (Kevin) min-raised. Should've been a warning flag, but I was bulldozing so I shoved with AQ suited. Simply too strong a hand to fold four handed in a turbo winner take all. He turned up aces and I was last in chips once more, just over 2K with the blinds set to devour me in two orbits.

Two hands later, I somehow doubled up - I don't remember the hand specifically, but I know I was first in and called by a hand that I had dominated.

Then, now 3rd in chips out of 4, I had the good fortune of the short stack being hassled by his wife who had somewhere to go (on a cruise ship, who knows?) He started open shoving, which was very unusual for him, and I knew it was only slightly motivated by his stack, but more by his nagging wife. I folded once, twice, then was able to call off easily with A10 and bust his A7.

Too bad this wasn't a bounty tournament, because I also managed to bust the third player, when he finally had limp folded his way into third place in chips and had the misfortune to run his QJ into my AQ.

Then it was just me and Kevin, the tight older player to my left who was easily the best of my opponents. This wasn't saying much, but I knew with sky high blinds it would be a flippy and swingy dance to get to the end, and it was.

At first, my timing was perfect, I managed to get it in again and again when he had nothing, and open fold when I detected rumblings from his end; he was frustrated at my poker radar and said "You're timing has been pretty good..." just before he flashed the aces that he again had min-raised with. I knew this time to insta fold my KJ.

But then I stumbled a bit and had to get away, he had the chip lead once more, and now with the blinds at 1 and 2 k he was open shoving a lot more. He shoved from the button and I hemmed a bit before calling off with A5 suited. In all fairness, it wasn't the best or worst call from me, it was basically desperation time - his shove was good, unfortunately for him he had A4. This was the crucial hand in the tournament, my dominating hand held and now I had a commanding chip lead.

Soon he shoved with a small pocket pair and I called with paint which hit on the flop. GG, easy game, too much fun.

I got my picture taken with a big novelty check (probably the smallest novelty check ever, only $500) but I'll post it if I ever get it, the TD said he would e-mail me.

All in all, very fun - not the best judgement by me in game selection; I really need to stick to tournaments, I'm just not made for the bottomless wallet mentality of NL cash. But it is very gratifying and a real ego boost to take down a tournament; even when it's a five handed flip.